The Tale of Two Cities by Robert Downey Junior


The Tale of Two Cities by Robert Downey Junior.

After the filming of Ironman was completed I was walking around Los Angeles, attending to business pertaining to the promotion and all the additional details of the project.  I found myself off Hollywood boulevard contemplating the fact I had just released another Hollywood blockbuster. It was a profound euphoria that set in as I sank to the ground with a sigh of relief which I mistook for a migraine headache.

Instantaneously I was transported into a convalescent home where I awoke mistaking this dream for a nightmare.

Immediately upon reawakening I identified that I’d had a sore eye which was bruised, assuming a concussion I reevaluated where I was, was in fact an institution with medical grade personnel wandering about in a chaotic frenzy.

What I identified as a pharmacological stupor was in fact paraphrased a Haldol narcosis.

As I came to I identified one of the staff and asked them: “Where in the fuck am I?”

The staff member responded “Sir, you’re in a hospital, you’ve suffered a head injury, which might’ve been a stroke, we don’t know”.

Immediately, I abreact and ask “where in God’s name is my attorney”?.

The response was devastating. He said “Sir we regret to inform you that he is temporarily unavailable to see you”.

I say to him “Fuck you, Let me see my attorney, I have been through this on a number of occasions, and I have a right to see my attorney, do not manipulate me sir, or I will sue the living daylights out of you.”

The guy says “Let me make this perfectly clear you are here as a matter of national security, and you have no legal ramifications currently. This is a result of the extraordinary film that you just released and the circumstances currently involved in the Middle East.”

“Get me my fucking attorney on the phone now!” And I put my finger down.

The guy says “Sir I neglected to inform you, this is of immediate urgency, and the state and the federal government consider you their property”. He looks down to his waistcoat. Attending to an item which appears similar to a pager.  He presses a button.  Instantaneously I am surrounded by a soulless panic as I hear the non externally vocalized phrase.

“Remain Calm, this is a government service provided for your security, it is a psychometric evaluation of your neurological capability to conceive of the sociological complexity the film is stirring overseas”.

Immediately the panic fades away as sheer stupor sets and I acknowledge the sheer mediocrity I was exposed to.

“OMFG-The government owns my brain now.”

Secondarily I took a deep breath and relieved myself in a mad desire to impede defecation, as I soiled myself for the first time in my life.


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